Bikini Summer (1991)

“But it’s to help raise money to save the beach!”
"By exploiting the attributes of women’s bodies for the lustful cravings of chauvinistic male morons? In other words, we think it’s a great idea! Where do we sign?!"

The Story: 

An elderly couple hires a rowdy group of young adults to renovate their home over the summer while they are away visiting Greenland. Naturally, little work gets done since the house is right on the beach where there is nothing but sand, sunsets, and girls, girls, girls. Each supposed renovator has their own goals to attain in the summer; whether it involves posing as a photographer and perving chicks like Chet (David Millbern), designing bikinis like Renee (Kelli Konop), getting drunk and doing nothing like Mad Dog (Kent Lipham) or protesting, well, everything like that annoying hippie guy. Seeing opportunity for everyone arise, Chet organizes a bikini contest to showcase Renee’s work and raise money for charity in hopes of saving the beach from a skeevy developer to cap off a Bikini Summer for the ages!

The Review:

Bikini Summer resembles a nude beach photo shoot rather than a film and can only be appreciated by two types of audiences; those who absolutely must see every titty comedy in existence and junior high students in the pre-internet days where constant pausing and rewinding was creating an embarrassing skip in their Revenge of the Nerds tape. You could squeeze the plot through the eye of a needle, but Seth Rogen would be proud of the opening credits T&A that paves the way for the rest of the silicone heavy 86 minute runtime. I have never seen so many naked virtually identical, fake-titted, bony assed Barbie dolls in one place in all my life. Nice!

Reeking atmosphere of the sweet pre-Nirvana days of 1991 where neon is the shade du jour and sweet ass mullets (included ones of the permed variety, a species so illustrious it is only topped by the nearly extinct skullet) grow atop the heads of real men, Bikini Summer holds a nice, fuzzy feeling for a while until you get bored and start paying more attention to your watch. Never one to focus on the negatives, I must note that a supporting character on the beach sports the single greatest T-shirt I’ve seen in my life. If ever I see a shirt sporting a big cartoon hard-on boasting, ‘Cover me… I’m going in!’, rest assured, I’ll be buying the store out of them. And there’ll be a big Nirvana shirt fuelled bonfire in the parking lot later that afternoon. Just come as you are.

Laughs and the search of an even remotely interesting character take a serious backseat to 'Showtime' style and the ‘conflict’ of the narrative resonates without a hint of tension in the looming deadline of getting the house done for the poor old fogies, which I seemed to ponder about, but the characters didn’t. The bikini contest runs afoul with the law, too, but by then we’re really losing interest in the plodding story. We’ve seen dozens and dozens of topless and bottomless women in the opening 45 minutes and all of the sudden it’s a bikini contest we’re supposed to cheer for? If you’re really hard up, Bikini Summer will suffice, but the internet age has dried up the demand for this sun-kissed Malibu film. Some may look down at those of us owning not just one, but all three Bikini Summer films, yet one can never have too much of a bad thing with big jugs, right? (Brett H.)

Tale of the Tape:

4 out of a possible 10 inches.

Image Gallery: 

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