Private School (1983)

"Bubba says we did it once and it was very good for both of us, but I was passed out I don't remember a thing.”

The Story:

The girls at Cherryvale Academy (where cherries go to be popped, apparently) are in the middle of another school year, which means its time to tease all of the boys and engage in catty rivalries. The main event finds Christine Ramsay (Phoebe Cates) facing off against Jordan Leigh-Jenson (Betsy Russell), as the latter has an eye for the former’s dough head boyfriend, Jim (Matthew Modine). Meanwhile, the boys at nearby Freemount Academy are constantly raising hell with their constant attempts to break into Cherryvale’s campus…and its inhabitants’ pants, of course!

The Review:

The middle chapter of producer Ben Efram’s epically nude “Private Trilogy,” Private School features one of the great all time horndog academies in Cherryvale. It surely represents the ultimate adolescent male fantasy, as just about everyone is outrageously randy: the girls, their teachers, their parents, and even Ray Walston, who shows up as a sneaky limo driver. None of the sexing comes easy, of course, as disaster is the only thing in steadier supply than all of the boners and boobs. Many of these disasters usually end with a girl in some state of disrobe, much to the delight of all the guys everywhere. There are a lot of boobs here, which should come as no surprise since the male cast only aspires to peek into dorm windows and locker rooms just to catch some skin.

But enough about those guys--let’s talk about the beauties that are beheld by their lascivious eyes, particularly Cates and Russell. Their rivalry basically carries the film since it’s the only real sustained plot (other than “horny guys keep striking out with hot babes”). Russell is the snobby, bitchy one, while Cates is supposed to be the sweet girl, which doesn’t stop her from dishing out some wicked pranks that result in Russell showing off her spectacular body. One of them is the now infamous horse scene, where Russell gives one of the great displays of bareback riding of all time; I wonder if that horse knew about the legion of guys who would have sacrificed any organ (save for one) to trade places with it.

The best part is that Jordan doesn’t really seem to care and takes it all in stride; after all, she loosened her own top in the first place to catch Jim’s eye. Not only that, but Jordan isn’t really that terrible of a gal in her own right, as she’s infused with a sort of cute sweetness. Meanwhile, Cates is kind of mopey, which I guess is supposed to also make her “the good one.” The fact that she keeps her clothes on (mostly) seems to indicate that too, or maybe Cates foresaw the legendary status of the pool scene she shot during the previous year in Ridgemont High and decided to go out on top(less).  

Either way, she’s kind of a buzzkill, and the film actually grinds to a halt when she and Jim embark on a romantic getaway late in the film. This sequence feels like it wandered in from another script that actually gives a shit about things like feelings (particularly the anxieties surrounding sex and love). Luckily, this part is intercut with a sequence that features the rest of the boys concocting a scheme to get Russell naked (yes, again). That’s certainly where the film’s heart really lies--in the bawdy, juvenile antics that involve cross-dressing and acquiring rubbers. There’s a kid named Bubba (Michael Zorek) who emerges as a memorable male character, if only because he’s a victim of his own libido. Unfortunately for him, the only load he gets to blow involves the premature uncorking of a champagne bottle that ends up spraying all over Russell. But he’s a quick thinker, as he sees that as an opportunity to get her out of those wet clothes. That’s absolutely fine by me because there are few things more attractive than 1980s Betsy Russell (modern day Betsy Russell being one of those things). (Brett G.)

Tale of the Tape:

6 out of a possible 10 inches.

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