Private Resort (1985)

“Hey, you guys got any protection?”
"Yeah, is this enough?"
"Yeah...for now."

The Story:

Jack and Ben (Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow) are a couple of normal (read: horny) guys who are spending the weekend at a swanky resort. Soon after they arrive, they’re on the hunt, seemingly falling in love with every girl’s body that they see. Meanwhile, a jewel thief (Hector Elizondo) is on the hunt for a valuable diamond that just happens to be owned by the grandmother of one of Jack’s conquests. Paths cross and one screwball antic leads to another, and the two guys might not only lose the girls, but their lives as well!

The Review:

The third of producer R. Ben Ephraim’s “Private Trilogy” (along with Private Lessons and Private School), Private Resort takes little time in announcing its intentions. Within the first ten minutes, we’re treated to a bevy of scantily and unclad ladies by the poolside that our two heroes gawk at. There’s even a mischievous little kid going around with a fishing hook, and he’s out to reel in some bikinis. Needless to say, Jack and Ben admire the kid’s ingenuity, as do we here at Balls Academy, where Bikini Fishing 101 is a required course. At any rate, the film does indeed prove itself to be full of T&A and the usual 80s teen comedy antics. Most of the humor hits the juvenile spot, as Jack and Ben often find themselves in some sort of awkward situation, whether it’s attempting to sex the jewel thief’s wife or being mistaken as the hotel barber. Along the way, our boys try everything (Quaaludes included) to bag any and every chick in sight.

This one is of obvious interest due to some of the actors. This is Rob Morrow’s screen debut, and he plays the more reserved and right minded of the two (not that this is saying much), as he actually does seem to be in search of love when he meets a sweet waitress. One year removed from being carved up by Freddy Krueger in his own debut, Depp is just randy as hell and won’t turn anything down. It doesn’t matter that he’s already romancing one girl--when he sees another gal who has been mistreated by her man, he’s there for the quick rebound and a trip to his room. The ladies in the audience will also be pleased to know that these two get caught with their pants down quite often. They’ll also be pleased to see a true ladies’ man show up towards the end: the D-Man himself, Andrew Dice Clay, in an early role. Playing his typical macho persona that he would later perfect, Clay steals the show and gets the film’s best line, which proves that the Diceman will always cometh…sometimes more than once if he needs to.

For the most part, Private Resort works as a typical sex romp; some of the humor with the jewel thief and a hotel security guard is a bit too silly and downright stupid, but the film is quicker than a one night stand, clocking in right at 80 minutes. Interestingly enough, Leslie Easterbrook had a sex scene cut out due to time constraints, which is just poor editing if I’ve ever seen it before. Anyway, the film’s outrageous Some Like it Hot-inspired climax brings together just about every single oddball character that Jack and Ben have encountered throughout; there’s a hail of machine-gun fire, granny kung-fu, and, yes, plenty of boobs as our two guys try to evade certain death at the hands of the jewel thief. What a tragedy that would be, what with all of the broads out there just waiting to be had! (Brett G.)

Tale of the Tape:

7 out of a possible 10 inches.

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