Latest Reviews & Updates

Casual Sex? (1988) Private School (1983) Surf School (2006) Book of Love (1990) Monika (1974) Private Lessons (1981) Dazed and Confused (1993) Wet Hot American Summer (2001) The Hangover Part II (2011) The Endless Summer (1966)

Bachelor Party (1984) Malibu High (1979) One Crazy Summer (1986) Private Resort (1985) Rock N' Roll High School (1979) Murmur of the Heart (1971) Dirty Dancing (1987) Meatballs (1979) Joysticks (1983) The Stoned Age (1994)

Latest Honorary Graduate : Wooderson
School might be out for summer, but B.A.L.L.S. Academy is now in session! Our curriculum includes raunchy sex comedies, teen movies, sexploitation, coming-of-age dramas, character salutes, trivia and just about everything in between with multiple updates each and every week. The opening round of reviews feature five flicks we’ve deemed essential, plus one that hangs nice and low with the big boys. So break out your spirit of choice, to hell with the mix and prepare to be schooled in the arts of chasing broads, raising hell, defying authority, and just livin’ life. June 8, 2011... B.A.L.L.S. drops!

Surf School (2006)

“Have you been reading those Hustlers I gave you?”
“A lot of the pages are stuck together.”
“Yeah, they do that. Humidity.”

The Story:

Giving into pressure from his mom, lacrosse star Jordan (Corey Sevier) relocates midway through his senior year of high school from Maryland to Laguna Beach to gain more experience in the sport. Falling from the popular lacrosse guy to unpopular lacrosse guy in the eyes of the bevy of Californa surfer types at his new school, Jordan finds solace with the weirdos; the virgin, the goth chick and the punker. When the topic of a senior trip to Costa Rica taking place during the High School Surfing Championships arises, Jordan convinces the exhiled from attending group of misfits to ball up and head to the tropics to not only raise some hell, but to learn from former surf champion, Rip (Harland Williams), the ways of the wave and beat these jerkoffs at their own game to become the best surfers in the country in just two short weeks!

Book of Love (1990)

“Crutch, the weirdest thing just happened to me. This, this girl offered me hot sex for a dollar.”
"Why didn't you come and get me?"
"Crutch, she was just like, nine years old."
"So what, my cocker spaniel's only five!"

The Story:

Jack Twiller (Michael McKean) is on the verge of a divorce; however, when he gets a phone call from an old friend, he’s prompted to take his old yearbook off the shelf and reminisce on his childhood. He specifically goes back to the 50s, when he moved to a new town, where he was sure he was going to get his ass kicked just for being new. Instead, he instantly met Crutch (Keith Coogan), another neighborhood kid, who introduced him to Spider (Danny Nucci) and Floyd (John Cameron Mitchell); together, the friends go went high school, having plenty of fun along the way, while also learning some tough life lessons--mostly about love. 

Casual Sex? (1988)

“I’m driving this rich couple around in my limo, right? Then, get this; Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple twenties in front of my face. Says he wants me to get it on with his wife while he watches, right? You know what I’m talkin’ about, right, snapperhead?”

The Story:

Despite a staunch difference in personalities, best friends Stacy (Lea Thompson) and Melissa (Victoria Jackson) are practically inseparable. Tired of local guys that think with the wrong head, they hop a bus to a spa resort in hopes of meeting new, more sophisticated guys on their vacation. They neglect to fathom that this might be the goal of every other girl primed up for fun in the sun, not to mention the fact that the supposed buff and mature men they plan to encounter might just be the irritating dude on the street corner howling whenever a good looking broad prances by searching for new meat to ogle. The spa is populated with a potpourri of characters, all with the same intent; it’s as though all the anomalies not satisfied with their daily lives have accumulated en masse to find exactly what they thought they wanted to get away from in a more relaxed setting. Focused on putting their hearts first and private parts second, the two friends continue their search for love in another wrong place.

Private School (1983)

"Bubba says we did it once and it was very good for both of us, but I was passed out I don't remember a thing.”

The Story:

The girls at Cherryvale Academy (where cherries go to be popped, apparently) are in the middle of another school year, which means its time to tease all of the boys and engage in catty rivalries. The main event finds Christine Ramsay (Phoebe Cates) facing off against Jordan Leigh-Jenson (Betsy Russell), as the latter has an eye for the former’s dough head boyfriend, Jim (Matthew Modine). Meanwhile, the boys at nearby Freemount Academy are constantly raising hell with their constant attempts to break into Cherryvale’s campus…and its inhabitants’ pants, of course!

Dazed and Confused (1993)

“You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N.”

The Story:

Alice Cooper is blaring on every car stereo and 8-track player near Lee High School and its surrounding suburbs. It’s May 28th, 1976, which happens to be the last day of school. Though it’s still a couple of hours until the final bell rings, party plans are being made, joints are being rolled, and kegs are en route for delivery. Everyone from the incoming freshmen class to the rising (and repeating) seniors are about to embark on a night that’ll kick off another unforgettable summer.

Private Lessons (1981)

"My breasts, how do you like them?”
"Oh, they're, uh...very nice."
"Would you like to touch them?"

The Story:

Instead of going to camp this year, 15 year old Philly (Eric Brown) is planning on spending his summer vacation with his buddy. Together, the two spy on girls and engage in ill-informed sex talk. However, Philly is about to be very informed because the new French housekeeper (Sylvia Kristel) is apparently an insatiable nymphomaniac who is all too eager to give him some private lessons. Philly (and the audience) is obviously confounded because it’s certainly too good to be true…right?

Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

"Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy? If I can't find him, I'm telling Beth that you let him drown.”
"I was busy!"

The Story:

Summer 1981 is winding down to a close, and it’s the last day at Camp Firewood, which means something a little bit different for everyone. Some campers are still in search of that elusive summer love, while some just want to get laid one last time. Still others are concerned with serious stuff like accepting themselves and overcoming their Vietnam war demons (it’s an eclectic crew!). The common thread amongst them all? Dodging responsibility, partying down, and preparing for the big talent show that‘ll cap off the year’s camp season…if a rogue satellite doesn’t fall from orbit and crush them all first?!

Monika (1974)

"The models are all full figured. Do you like thick women?"
“No. But you don’t always have the choice.”

The Story:

Blonde and beautiful Monika (Gloria Guida) isn’t just turning 16 in two weeks, she’s also turning the heads of every male in town. While she is popular at school, Monika can’t seem to find a suitor to match her intelligence nor handle her sexual restraint. Wanting her first time to be special and realizing her current boyfriend Leo (Gianluigi Chirizzi) is a pig who doesn’t respect her, she sets her sights on her teacher, Bruno (Andrés Resino), who represents everything she believes a man should be; honest, artistic and sweet. Lurking around every corner is a deplorable lawyer named Moroni (Paolo Carlini), who is friends with Monika’s family and has no qualms with paying the skeevy pimp Leo for sexual favors from the high school girls he beds. It seems the whole town sees Monika on top of their self-indulgent sexual sundae with infatuation fuelled by what’s between her legs instead of what’s in her heart. 

The Hangover Part II

"It happened again.."
"Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"

The Story:

Two years after their epic misadventure in Vegas, Phil (Bradley Cooper), Doug (Justin Bartha), and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) gather in Thailand for Stu’s (Ed Helms) wedding. Even though he’s intensely paranoid about hanging out with “The Wolfpack,” Stu is eventually convinced to have a couple of drinks a few days before the wedding. Of course, he, Allan, and Phil end up with an intense case of déjà vu when they wake up in a seedy motel room in Bangkok and have no idea how they got there. Even worse, they’ve managed to lose Stu’s fiancee’s little brother, which is sure to piss off his future father-in-law who already hates him.

The Endless Summer (1966)

“Many surfers ride summer and winter, but the ultimate thing for most of us would be to have an endless summer; the warm water and waves without the summer crowds of California. The only way to do this is by travelling around the world, following the summer seasons as it moves around the world.”

Bachelor Party (1984)

"Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!”
"Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!"

The Story:

When party animal Rick Gassko (Tom Hanks) does the unthinkable by getting engaged to his girlfriend Debbie (Tawny Kitaen), his buddies (led by ringleader Adrian Zmed) respond the only way they know how: by planning the wildest bachelor party ever. Debbie makes Rick promise that things won’t get too crazy, which is a good idea since her dad (George Grizzard) hates him. In fact, he hates him so much that he hires Debbie’s sleazebag ex-boyfriend (Robert Prescott) to ruin the boys’ night out.

Malibu High (1979)

"Look mom, I'm 18 years old and I can do whatever I want!”

The Story:

High school senior Kim (Jill Lansing) is a total flunkie who is in danger of failing all of her classes and not graduating. She also just got dumped by her boyfriend for the town’s snobby little rich girl. These problems aren’t going to solve themselves, so she decides to improve her lot in life by seducing her teachers for better grades; before she knows it, she’s screwing her way to the top of her class. A naughty schoolgirl by day, she even starts taking customers on the side by becoming a working girl to make some money of her own!

Private Resort (1985)

“Hey, you guys got any protection?”
"Yeah, is this enough?"
"Yeah...for now."

The Story:

Jack and Ben (Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow) are a couple of normal (read: horny) guys who are spending the weekend at a swanky resort. Soon after they arrive, they’re on the hunt, seemingly falling in love with every girl’s body that they see. Meanwhile, a jewel thief (Hector Elizondo) is on the hunt for a valuable diamond that just happens to be owned by the grandmother of one of Jack’s conquests. Paths cross and one screwball antic leads to another, and the two guys might not only lose the girls, but their lives as well!

One Crazy Summer (1986)

"Hey, Hoops, you ever notice how people die in alphabetical order?”

The Story:

Graduation day is upon us at Generic High School, where Hoops McCann (John Cusack) and his buddy George Calamari (Joel Murray) are about to walk across the stage before jumping right into summer break. After they pick up aspiring singer/songwriter Cassandra (Demi Moore), who is on the run from a biker gang, they board a ferry to Nantucket, where a bizarre cast of characters awaits. Among them is a sleazy Beckersted family, who intend to claim the estate of Cassandra’s grandfather and turn into the site of a new restaurant.

Murmur of the Heart (1971)

“Midget! Wanna see a man's dick?”

The Story:

Fourteen year-old Laurent (Benoit Ferreux) is being shown the way of the world by his older brothers, a charmingly devious couple of 18-or-sos that carouse, gallivant with women, steal money from their mother and pull pranks to pass the time in 1954 France. Their mother, Clara (Lea Massari) shows an obvious shine to the virtuoso in comparison to the other boys and has a tendency to be juvenile herself. Laurent is well on his way in following in his brother’s footsteps; he drinks, smokes and is naturally curious about the opposite sex. Figuring it’s about time for Laurent to become a man, they take him to a brothel for his first sexual experience only to barge in before the act was finished. Another Chevalier boys prank. Laurent goes off to summer camp, but comes down sick with a heart murmur, to which he and his mother must leave home and stay at a hotel to receive treatments. A booking misunderstanding causes them to have to share a room together, which ultimately leads to the two of them having their own sexual encounter.

Rock N' Roll High School (1979)

"Things sure have changed since we got kicked out of high school! "

The Story:

To say the kids of Vince Lombardi High School are out of control would be an understatement; these rock n’ roll loving party animals sent their last principal straight to the loony bin. Led by Riff Randell (P.J. Soles), the student body must now endure the wrath of new principal, Miss Togar (Mary Woronov) who is on a crusade to rid the teenagers of their beloved rock music, especially The Ramones (Joey, Marky, Johnny and Dee Dee), the legendary rock group that just so happens to be coming to town for a performance. Intent on getting the band to take a look at a song she wrote for them, Rock N’ Roll High School, Riff waits in line for three days and snags tickets only to have them taken away by Togar who subsequently arranges for all rock albums to be burned. Hell bent in leather, Riff and her buddy Kate (Dey Young) plot to make The Ramones honorary students of Lombardi High and take over the school to oust Togar with a bang!

Dirty Dancing (1987)

"Sorry for the interruption, folks, but I always do the last dance of the season."

The Story:

In the summer of 1963, 17-year-old Baby (Jennifer Grey) and her family take their annual trek to a secluded resort in upstate New York. While there, she meets dancing instructor Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze) and unexpectedly becomes his dance partner when his current one (Cynthia Rhodes) becomes pregnant, much to the dismay of her father (Jerry Orbach).

Meatballs (1979)

"I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed!"

The Story:

School’s out for summer, which means it’s time for Camp North Star to open for business again. Awaiting this year’s newest crop of campers is head counselor Tripper (Bill Murray) and crew, who will introduce them to the wonders of shenanigans and pranks. They’ll also teach them some important lessons in self-respect and friendship, too, particularly Rudy (Chris Makepeace), an introvert who Tripper attempts to coax out of his shell as the summer wears on.

Joysticks (1983)

"The kids play with their joysticks day in and day out; jerking them back and forth, sweating on them and they don’t even clean them off when they’re through!"

The Story: 

With chicks hanging off each arm, Jeff Bailey (Scott McGinnis) runs River City’s arcade, the local headquarters for teens to get away from their parents and trade quarters for video game action. Other than rare altercations with the moronic punker, King Vidiot (Jon Gries) and his followers, everyone from the cute little rich girl to the hapless nerd to the unkempt fat man get along in perfect harmony amidst the faint glows of the game machines. That is, until bellyacher Rutter (Joe Don Baker) gets a stick up his ass because his young daughter keeps hanging out at this misunderstood establishment he considers a cesspool of depravity. Along with his duo of goofball nephews, they vow to shut down the arcade and bring good moral standing back to the misled youth that video games are tarnishing.